Ninja Tank
by Locus Solus
Summary: Soon to be just a series of drabbles about stupid things that I've come across in Left 4 Dead 1 and 2. Mainly revolved around Nick because I only play as him. Sometimes Louis, but I doubt he'll be in this. Rated T for language.


Blah blah drabble.

Forewarning: Nick is OOC. But that's because I usually play as him and I like to hop around.

* * *

There were just somethings that Nick couldn't get over as they traversed through this nightmare of a carnival. The clowns that appeared out of nowhere with hordes of infected were rather annoying, but at the same time it was fun to bash them in the face with the butt of the gun and hear their noses honk in the midst of all the chaos. The creepy voice that laughed and yelled "Mustachio!" was a bit unnerving but as revenged he knocked down all the peanut man cut-outs he saw. It wasn't until later did he discover that "Mustachio" was actually a pistachio.

"Holy shit, you guys, c'mere and look at this!" Nick appeared in the doorway looking like a kid on Christmas morning. "Come here, quickly!"

"Nick, what the hell are you doing out there? Get inside before you get Smoked!" Rochelle called, the disapproving tone was apparent in her voice. "Or worse, pounced!"

The older man ignored her and disappeared again with a smile on his face.

"Actually, I think getting Smoked would be worse, Miss." Ellis stated. "Because you get dragged across everything with all them zombies chasing after you and scratching and clawing at you. But then again, if you get pounced you get all your organs and stuff ripped out-."

"No, seriously, you guys should come check this out!" The conman stifled a chuckle, the gas can almost slipped from his hands and over the ledge to the ground below him.

The mechanic, being the curious young one that he is, made his way out the door and slipped beside the white suited Nick. The older man was crouched low by the railing on the platform over looking the fenced carousel. The railing itself didn't serve as great coverage and Ellis wondered why in the world Nick would sit out in the open like that. Coach and Rochelle followed suit after grabbing more ammunition and the extra health packs lying about.

"What is it?" Ellis asked.

"Shh! Be quiet, Overalls! You're going to alert it!" Nick whispered harshly to him then continued to grin.

Ellis, slightly unnerved by Nick's sudden excitement, lowered his voice. "Startle what now?"

"Look over there." Nick pointed to a tree not so far from them.

Right over yonder, a couple of yards away, stood a thick oak tree near the carousel. On either side of the oak's trunk sprouted two thick and muscular arms. Occasionally the arms would move, swinging here and there. The limbs would also take their frustration out on whatever infected happened to be nearby, knocking it back or causing it to stumble and fall.

"Holy sh-"

Coach and Rochelle gaped in surprise.

"Ooh, baby, I don't wanna mess with no Tank. No sir." Rochelle shook her head. "Coach, how are we going to get around that thing?"

Coach shook his head.

"That Tank thinks it's being sneaky and hiding behind a fucking tree." Nick's grin grew wider. "Hey, Coach, maybe it's distracted by some chocolate it got. You should go check and see."

The other man grumbled. "Sometimes, Nick, I just wanna punch you out. . ."

"It doesn't really think we can't see it, does it?"Ellis asked, disbelievingly, "I mean, even _I_ know that's a dumb spot to hide. You gotta hide up in the branches, jus' like how Keith did that one time, but then the branch he was sittin' on broke and he fell off and-"

"Ellis, now is not the time for that-"

"Boomer!" Coach's exclamation interrupted Nick. He had to keep in mind to keep his voice down, wary of the doom that awaited them below.

Both Nick and Ellis made to leap back but could not avoid the onslaught of boomer vomit that sprayed them like a fire hose. Their cries of displeasure sounded as they proceeded to attempt to wipe the filthy slime off. Ellis began to flail and started shoving Nick, as the other man tried to aim for the Boomer as it endeavored to escape the survivors' line of sight. After a few randomly placed shots the Boomer exploded, expelling more of it's bodily fluids upon the two unfortunate survivors.

"Augh! My personal space! Violated!"

"My orifices have been violated!" Ellis yelped. "Get this gunk offa' me!"

Coach and Rochelle pulled the two back into the corner of the room room and then turned to the door to face the horde of infected that were bound to follow.

"Ew, get this scum is never going to come out!" The older man protested.

"Ugh, Christ in a hand basket, I'm all gooed!" Ellis whined. "This is worse than the time Keith changed the oil in this one person's car and-"

"Now's not the time, Ellis!" Coach shouted as he knocked back a couple of the infected that had gotten past the doorway.

Once the horde had been cleared out, they waited a few tentative moments to listen for the Tank in case it had noticed them. When the coast became clear they took a brief minute to catch their breath and reload their weapons.

"Fucking Boomers. I hate them so damn much." Nick grumbled.

"Well, now that that's over with," Rochelle sighed, "What are we going to do about that Tank? And how in the hell did it not notice us?"

"It's best not to be questioned sometimes." Coach sighed. "It's a damn good thing it didn't come for us after what just happened or else I'd be in China."

"Uh, we could burn it?" Ellis suggested.

"That's a great idea, Ellis!" Nick snapped his fingers before sauntering out of the room. "Now where's that-? Ah ha! Here it is!"

The gambler picked up the gas tank he had lost earlier in their previous scuffle.

"Do you think he'll notice if I throw it?"

"Not if you throw it and shoot it quickly enough." said Coach.

The tree the Tank was hiding behind was conveniently placed between their current position and the carousel they had to go through to get to the other side. Going around the Tank wasn't exactly a preferred option. If it noticed them clambering over the fence then they would probably end up kissing this world goodbye.

"Alright, here goes nothing then."

Nick could feel his heart pounding as he aimed for the trunk of the tree, if that Tank noticed them before he could shoot it then they would all be in big trouble.

"You sure this is a good idea, Nick?" Rochelle asked.

"What else do you propose we do, honey? Walk up to it and ask for it to kindly not attack us?"

Rochelle rolled her eyes.

"Aw, shit, this is gonna be good." Ellis chuckled, tensed to either bolt or shoot. Possibly both.

He would have to get it right the first time too, if the can landed in the wrong place there was no going down there and setting it back up, this wasn't a video game. He steadied his himself before tossing the gas canister in the general direction of the tree. The instant it touched the ground close to the trunk he aimed and shot at it, causing it to erupt in flames. He had to congratulate himself for hitting it on the first try, who knows what would have happened if he missed. The Tank probably would have been on his ass before he could shoot again and by then they would have to abandon all hope for the gas tank plan and just shoot like hell.

The survivors backed away promptly, listening for the angry cries of the Tank and getting ready to either shoot or run for safety when the time came. When there were no tell tale shouts of anger the survivors dared a second glance. The flames were obviously still burning bright but the ground was not shaking nor was there any rubble flying in their general direction. Nick was the first to double back, lingering only to see if the Tank had even reacted to the flames around it.

It had not.

"Haha, man Nick, you suck." Ellis chortled as he gave the white suited man a hearty clap on the shoulder.

"Hey, Ellis, fuck you." Nick growled as he observed his failed task of baiting the Tank. "Sneaky, little ninja Tank bastard. . . "

"In no way shape or form, is that thing is little." Ellis said. "Nor is he sneaky."

Nick shook his head and ignored him.

The flames surrounded the tree in a crescent moon formation, but only between the platform they stood on and the tree itself. The flames had not reached the Tank nor did it seem to even notice said flames. A few of the surrounding infected that happened to be in the area of the canister were running around aimlessly, possibly attempting to put out the flames that engulfed them. Despite the chaos around him, the Tank had not even moved.

"I wish the tree would just catch on fire and then fall on the Tank and then set it on fire while crushing it at the same time."

"Wistful thinking, Nick."

"Man, I can't believe it didn't get caught on fire, maybe the gas didn't get to it?" Coach said.

Rochelle shushed him. "Just be glad it hasn't noticed us yet or else we'd just be wasting even more bullets."

"Wonder if it's takin' a nap?" Ellis scratched his cap.

"For some reason," The conman said as he took out a molotov, "I highly doubt it, Ellis."

Taking a deep breath, Nick took aim once more, this time, directly at the Tank. He edged along the railing just so he could get most of the Tank's body in the line of his sight. The bigger the target the harder it is to miss.

"Nicholas, be careful. . ." Rochelle whispered to him.

Coach stepped up, "I could throw it-."

"Hell no, there's no way I'm missing this time." He said reassuringly. "C'mon, let me redeem myself, man."

It was unbelievable how the Tank hadn't noticed them already. This was such a recipe for disaster it was almost hilarious. The instant that bottle hit he was going be booking it like nobody's business.

He wound his arm back and then let the bottle fly with a skilled flip of his arm. In those brief few seconds they had before the glass shattered, Nick watched with a sick interest as the vessel rocketed for it's unsuspecting target. The chromatic projectile flipped through the air as it continued towards the ticking time bomb. Shit was about to get real.

His heart skipped a couple beats as it shattered upon the Tank's hump, dead on, and forthwith igniting it. There was a shout and that was when he turned and ran.

"Oh shit, man, it's faster-than-I-thought-it-would-be! KILLIT!KILLIT!KILLIT!""

"RUN! FOREST! RUN!" Ellis screamed as the Tank shrieked. "Get down the stairs!"

The ground began to tremble beneath their feet as they back tracked past the room and hopped down the steps. The Tank suddenly appeared at the top of the staircase like a flaming entity, bearing down upon them in an instant with all it's raging glory.

"NINJA TANK IS NINJA!"

"Oh, fuck, THERE IT IS!" Coach shouted as he opened fire on the raging Tank before he turned tail and ran, calling to Rochelle. "Run, baby girl! RUN!"

The Tank stopped to rip a chunk of cement from the ground and toss it towards them, missing Nick by less than a foot.

"Fuck this shit! I'm running like a pansy until it dies!" Nick cackled as he ran, occasionally shooting at the beast behind him.

The other survivors followed the the white suit through the various and colorful tents to avoid getting crushed into the ground by the vicious being. Knocking or shooting down whatever dared to get in their way.

"Oh, shit, it's gainin' on us!" The mechanic yelled. "OH GOD IT'S RIGHT THERE! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"IT'S ALREADY ON FIRE, YOU FOOL!"

"OH GOD, SHOOT IT!"

After much chaos and zigzagging, and Ellis running around making turkey noises, they managed to bring the Tank down to a smoldering heap amongst the tented area. And as an added bonus they had no casualties.

Out of breath and a bit low on ammo, they took a quick break before heading back to the substitute "safe" room to prepare for their journey to the next Safe room.

"Well. . . That. . . was interesting." Coach panted.

"I vote. . . not to do it again." said the reporter.

"Boy, he sure was madder than hell, wasn't he, Nick?"

"Oh yeah, Ellis." Nick gasped. "Wait till we come across the Witch. I'll give her something to cry about."

* * *

The only thing that didn't happen was the dialogue at the end, but that's because I wrote this in less than two hours off a whim. It sounded more funny in my head. =\

Seriously, I ran across a Tank hiding behind a tree when I was playing by myself on Advanced. Yes, I got attacked by a Boom-Boom before I dealt with the Tank. I did indeed fuck up and miss with the gas canister, BUT I got him with a Molotov. I usually ALWAYS book it once I've lit the Tank on fire because I am a pansy ass mother fucker and proud of it.


End file.
